Its the most wonderful time of the year....
My favorite holiday is just around the corner and im pissing my pants with excitement! A holiday where you can put coconut shells on your chest and go out in public, dress up like your favorite mass murderers, or just plain bitch about how you dont " DO" Haloween.
Halloween was a wonderful time when my sister and I got along and would conspire to get as much free candy from our stingy neighborhood as possible. We were the first ones out and the last ones in. We would use surveyors equipment, terrain maps, and other assorted tactics to score the biggest loot possible. We used large pillow cases to hoard our 100lb booty home like a dead body. By the end of the night, we were puking up Smarties and going back for more. There were the neighbors, however, that didnt see Haloween as a sacred right of passage like we did. They were the neighbors who went to bed early or worse, gave out crappy treats. The pennies, the Mallo cups, the bacon, and the razors. All things that tainted the spirit of the holiday. Although it was dissapointing to find anyone of these things in out holiest of holy bag, it still provided hours of laughter when we played the classic game :"Who got the crappiest thing!!!"
So this year, now that i am one of the "old ladies", Ive decided to make my OWN line of crappy candy for all of the ungreatful snot nosed kids out there. They are going to wish i had the cheap assorted candy and pennies!
Yolk Nut Suprise!: A semi-sweet chocolate covered egg yolk with a suprise nut inside! It could be a walnut, it could be a pinenut, who knows!
Mayo Chew: A chocolate covered bar of REAL MAYONAISE with a chewy center of none other than bacon fat! It will be all the rage. ( I have Jim down for a dozen)
Suprise Suprise Bar: This is just shit I scraped out of my garbage disposal and covered in white chocolate....SUPRISE!
CooCoo Chew: Creamy caramel encasing a chicken bone center. The tag line will read "Clean it to the bone!"( not for kids under 12...may be a choking hazzard)
Mallow/penny/bacon/razor bar: Now you kids only have to pick out ONE thing out of the bag instread of 3! Do not eat even though its covered in chocolate. (ive been hanging on to my crappy treats for years, now i can reuse them)
Diaper Genius: If I have a dirty diaper laying around, YOU benefit!!!! Its a WIN-WIN situation!
And for those of you who dont "DO" Halloween, let me make one thing clear. The ghosts ARE going to get you. You cant hide in your house by turning out the lights, or repel them by giving out crappy treats like you can kids. So you might as well dress up like the rest of us adults pretending to be hairy overgrown kids and get free candy from your neighborhood freaks, ya freak!
Happy Birthday Stef!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite holiday is just around the corner and im pissing my pants with excitement! A holiday where you can put coconut shells on your chest and go out in public, dress up like your favorite mass murderers, or just plain bitch about how you dont " DO" Haloween.
Halloween was a wonderful time when my sister and I got along and would conspire to get as much free candy from our stingy neighborhood as possible. We were the first ones out and the last ones in. We would use surveyors equipment, terrain maps, and other assorted tactics to score the biggest loot possible. We used large pillow cases to hoard our 100lb booty home like a dead body. By the end of the night, we were puking up Smarties and going back for more. There were the neighbors, however, that didnt see Haloween as a sacred right of passage like we did. They were the neighbors who went to bed early or worse, gave out crappy treats. The pennies, the Mallo cups, the bacon, and the razors. All things that tainted the spirit of the holiday. Although it was dissapointing to find anyone of these things in out holiest of holy bag, it still provided hours of laughter when we played the classic game :"Who got the crappiest thing!!!"
So this year, now that i am one of the "old ladies", Ive decided to make my OWN line of crappy candy for all of the ungreatful snot nosed kids out there. They are going to wish i had the cheap assorted candy and pennies!
Yolk Nut Suprise!: A semi-sweet chocolate covered egg yolk with a suprise nut inside! It could be a walnut, it could be a pinenut, who knows!
Mayo Chew: A chocolate covered bar of REAL MAYONAISE with a chewy center of none other than bacon fat! It will be all the rage. ( I have Jim down for a dozen)
Suprise Suprise Bar: This is just shit I scraped out of my garbage disposal and covered in white chocolate....SUPRISE!
CooCoo Chew: Creamy caramel encasing a chicken bone center. The tag line will read "Clean it to the bone!"( not for kids under 12...may be a choking hazzard)
Mallow/penny/bacon/razor bar: Now you kids only have to pick out ONE thing out of the bag instread of 3! Do not eat even though its covered in chocolate. (ive been hanging on to my crappy treats for years, now i can reuse them)
Diaper Genius: If I have a dirty diaper laying around, YOU benefit!!!! Its a WIN-WIN situation!
And for those of you who dont "DO" Halloween, let me make one thing clear. The ghosts ARE going to get you. You cant hide in your house by turning out the lights, or repel them by giving out crappy treats like you can kids. So you might as well dress up like the rest of us adults pretending to be hairy overgrown kids and get free candy from your neighborhood freaks, ya freak!
Happy Birthday Stef!!!!!!!!!!
