Eat this!

Wow, it seems that people will do anything for the "Ciz-ash" these days. Case and point? Recently the show Fear Factor had people eating cooked water buffalo penis. I guess the contestants were choking down these 2 foot long members around a campfire. That reminds me of the movie " 3 chicks, and a water buffalo penis." Great movie, rent it! Tell em Bootyyy sent you.

Well I've decided that Fear factor is for chumps. The real hardcore members of society will have to brave MY new game titled "The Million Dollar Game". No flashy title, no model host, no actual network or big sponsors. (Probably because it will be banned in America and have to be run on a Japanese cable network). Some of you are familiar with my Million Dollar Game. Many nights I have tortured you with it, only to stiff you on the money! But with the help of Katchwana Ramen Noodles, I can pay up this time! The MDG (what they call it on the streets) will have horrible stunts that must be completed for one million dollars. The theme song for the MDG will go something like this:

" The Million Dollar Game, how far will you go? Will you gouge your own eyes out for a piece of the dough? The propane truck is coming your way, better eat all that hay, the Million Dollar Gaaaaaame! Brought to you by Katchwana Ramen Noodles... If they look like maggots, then you must be on Acid."

Only a advertising genius could come up with such a catchy tune! Well, we are going to be taking contestants any day now and I thought I would start the ball rolling by giving you a little taste, so to speak, of what the million dollar game is all about.

~$$~ For a million dollars, could you drink a super big gulp of semen? 64. oz I believe. ( Things to consider: This is probably "donated" from many men at the maximum security prison for a carton of smokes each. The old bottom layers will probably be a little thick by now.)

~$$~ For a million dollars, would you go into a room blindfolded with 5 men. You have to pick one of them and have sex with them right there. Problem is one of them is your dad and another is your grandpa. You have a 2 in 5 chance, those are pretty good odds. (Things to consider: One of them is Ron Jeremy, one is your mechanic, and the other is Carrottop.)

~$$~ For a million dollars, would you eat some strangers vomit? Don't worry, this "stranger" is none other than Billy-bob, the friendly neighborhood alcoholic! He's just come back from a family reunion and had too much to eat and drink. You have to eat a bowl of his vomit like its a bowl of hot, steamy, juicy, Campbells chicken soup on a snow day! (Things to consider: He may have had sex with his cousin at the reunion.)

**Bling Bling**

Like most orange-blooded Americans, I own a computer. No, its true, I really do. And my beloved computer has provided me with countless hours of entertainment. Fun that I cant even begin to legally describe (according to my lawyers). But when Im really bored and the normal run-of-the-mill donkey porn wont do it for me anymore, I resort to rocking the boat, internet style.

There is nothing more satisfying than having a good laugh at someone elses expense. You know, unless its directed at me, then its not funny at all. The computer allows me to harness the bully within me without having to deal with the consecquenses of making someone cry or making them sucka punch me, it allows me to poke at people miles away with my virtual "online poking stick". The best way to do this is through any public chatroom that you can find. The freaks of the world conglomorate here to talk to other freaks, get a "virtual" peice of ass, or just lurk while they smoke crack at the comforts of thier own home. Here are some ways that I torture members of the online community in my spare time:

When one of the chatroom "playas" wants you to describe your self (probably to make sure your NOT a man), you can, but i dont think hell like what he reads...

playa244 : What do you look like?
SpaceCadet : "Well....Im the Sixth planet from the Sun which lives 1,427 million km down the road from me. A typical day for me is 10 hours, 14 minutes. Im pretty athletic, i can run 9.7 km/sec. I run with a crew of 18 (plus rings). Im pretty big boned, 120,536 km is my waist size to be exact. and my weight is 5.688e26 kg. My turns on are Hydrogen."
Spacecadet : " Hello?"

If you've ever been to MSN chat or some of the bigger chat rooms, then you know all too well about the automated porn bots. They are those annoying little bots that send you Instant Messages inviting you to see it " shower live with my girlfriends!" or " Watch me poop on my mom LIVE!". Maybe some of these are real people really inviting me to "cum see me cum to town", but i doubt it. So I cash in on this fun by pretending to be a closet AD/porn bot, or just a chatter with terrets.

~*Hot mama*~: IM fine how are you?
MacDaddy785: Good baby....ASL?
~*Hot mama*~: 500 MIN FREE LONG DISTANCE!!!
~*Hot mama*~: woah , sorry about that.
MacDaddy785: What was that?
~*Hot mama*~: I dunno ..... It happens sometiCUM WATCH ME LIVE FREE!!CLICK HERE!
MacDaddy785: ????
~*Hot mama*~: ENLARGE YOUR PENIS FOR PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR!
~*Hot mama*~: Hello? APPLY FOR YOUR PRE APPROVED MORTGAGE HERE!

What always gets a laugh is when you meet a guy online, meet him in person a few months later and then move in with him. Marry him and have a couple of kids and like 5 years down the road, tell him that your really a guy! OMG you should see thier face when you pull THAT ONE!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Also, buy him a lifetime supply of MAYO to soften the blow.

They'll NEVER take me alive!

Im sure the Zombies had a good laugh at this:

I had to work yesterday at 4 pm, so I left at 3 and was driving down "Zombie Highway" (if you read my blog), a 10 mile stretch of road that is paved with sand, dirt, gravel, and banana peels. So I guess they layed down a new batch of this concoction and the next thing i know, the back end of my car is in front of me. Im thinking " hmm...this isnt right." I fishtailed so hard out of control and I couldnt slow myself down.( I was going 45-50) The breaks did nothing. So im coming up fast on the cowfence thats made of icepicks and barbwire, and I brace myself and duck. The car finally stops and Im 2 inches away from the death trap but im in a ditch. I can barely open the car door because im so deep in sand. I blew out the front tire and scratched up the front end. But i was totally fine. (I was driving the Geo, not Jims new baby, BTW.) The stupid windows were rolled down and when I hit the ditch, sand came smacking into my face, I had sand in my eyes, mouth and hair...i still do. I called my neighbor because I knew Jim was online and they came and got me. I was crying really hard at first from the adrenaline but then I started laughing when I saw how close I was to the cow fence. I was laughing/crying hysterically and i couldnt stop even when they showed up. It was really embarassing. 30 min BEFORE this happened I was just telling Jim and my neighbor how a lady got killed on that road a few months back. She was doing 75, hit a patch, and hit the cowfence and flipped 7 times. With all of this... I was ONLY 15 min late to work. I RULE!

To sum up: I rule, theyll never take me alive, there aint no future in your frontin', cow fences are a conspiracy by the zombies to cut you into itty-bitty bite size peices, I cry sand, Jim is on the internet a lot.

Its the most wonderful time of the year....

My favorite holiday is just around the corner and im pissing my pants with excitement! A holiday where you can put coconut shells on your chest and go out in public, dress up like your favorite mass murderers, or just plain bitch about how you dont " DO" Haloween.

Halloween was a wonderful time when my sister and I got along and would conspire to get as much free candy from our stingy neighborhood as possible. We were the first ones out and the last ones in. We would use surveyors equipment, terrain maps, and other assorted tactics to score the biggest loot possible. We used large pillow cases to hoard our 100lb booty home like a dead body. By the end of the night, we were puking up Smarties and going back for more. There were the neighbors, however, that didnt see Haloween as a sacred right of passage like we did. They were the neighbors who went to bed early or worse, gave out crappy treats. The pennies, the Mallo cups, the bacon, and the razors. All things that tainted the spirit of the holiday. Although it was dissapointing to find anyone of these things in out holiest of holy bag, it still provided hours of laughter when we played the classic game :"Who got the crappiest thing!!!"

So this year, now that i am one of the "old ladies", Ive decided to make my OWN line of crappy candy for all of the ungreatful snot nosed kids out there. They are going to wish i had the cheap assorted candy and pennies!

Yolk Nut Suprise!: A semi-sweet chocolate covered egg yolk with a suprise nut inside! It could be a walnut, it could be a pinenut, who knows!

Mayo Chew: A chocolate covered bar of REAL MAYONAISE with a chewy center of none other than bacon fat! It will be all the rage. ( I have Jim down for a dozen)

Suprise Suprise Bar: This is just shit I scraped out of my garbage disposal and covered in white chocolate....SUPRISE!

CooCoo Chew: Creamy caramel encasing a chicken bone center. The tag line will read "Clean it to the bone!"( not for kids under 12...may be a choking hazzard)

Mallow/penny/bacon/razor bar: Now you kids only have to pick out ONE thing out of the bag instread of 3! Do not eat even though its covered in chocolate. (ive been hanging on to my crappy treats for years, now i can reuse them)

Diaper Genius: If I have a dirty diaper laying around, YOU benefit!!!! Its a WIN-WIN situation!

And for those of you who dont "DO" Halloween, let me make one thing clear. The ghosts ARE going to get you. You cant hide in your house by turning out the lights, or repel them by giving out crappy treats like you can kids. So you might as well dress up like the rest of us adults pretending to be hairy overgrown kids and get free candy from your neighborhood freaks, ya freak!

Happy Birthday Stef!!!!!!!!!!

Bootyyy 1, Zombies 2

Driving home last night on "Zombie Highway" nothing seemed different, at first. You had your dinosaurs, your Zombies, and your blood lust. Nothing new, right? Oh, but there was. The Zombies have recruited a new ally in the war against me. A foe so powerful that not even I can fight it! The powerhouse im talking about is the Moon.

Now I know what your saying "How is the moon scary, you psycho?", well let me break it down for you like Darrin's Dance Grooves. Like most of my fears, the moon poses no "real" threat to me except for the possibility of making it the Death Star, oh and the moon's ability to make normal folks like you and me into "Werewolves". Other than that, the moon is pretty harmeless, right? WRONG! The moon can scare me unlike any other planet in the earth's gravitational pull. Last night, while driving innocently down that dark and dingy road made of sand and banana peels, I look to my left and that do I see? The moon, huge and blood red as if it too was eating brains, staring at me! Why does it have to be blood red?!? And since when is the Moon the size of a fucking dinner plate? Is it crashing into us? WTF?!?!?!?! And so the fear sets in....

Ive decided that im going to lay down some ground rules for the moon. It just seems like it thinks it can be any color or size that it wants to these days! Crazy! Those rules include but are not limited to :

1. The moon can not be red, orange, amber, yellow, mustard, eggshell, puce, putty, ivory, or any other color besides white. Off light grey is also unacceptable.

2. The moon must NOT be larger than a quarter according to MY field of vision. If it exceeds this size, I will pretend that it is a clay pigeon and shoot it.

3. The moon must sign a treaty with the UN that it will NOT become allies with the Zombies or the Mormons. Failing to do so will forfit any trading of nuclear arms and cigars with Cuba.

4. The moon will also sign a truce with me promising not to scare me anymore. Its just plain mean.

Look, the point is that, just because your "the moon" doesnt mean you can just do whatever you want. There are rules and regualtions, and if there arent, then someone will make then up for you. Even the Zombies have a strict regiment that they adhere to. Everyone needs structure.

You'll never catch me Zombies!

These days, everybody is a afraid of something. Well with the media hype fanning the flames of our worst fears on a daily basis, who can blame us? While I think most things that we are fearing are completely unfounded ( West Nile Virus, Shark Attacks, Razor blades, E-coli), there is one fear in the hearts of men that is more than justified....its becoming a way of life. That's right folks...I'm talking about Zombies.

Now if you ever have the opportunity, nay the privilege, to drive to my house in the wee hours of the night, you will know of what I speak. Upon leaving work at 3 am, I must travel down a 26 mile stretch of dirt and gravel, with no street lights, no homes near by, no other drivers, nothing but me and the thirst for brains looming in the air. At first, I thought it was my over active imagination playing games with me, after all, I often see dinosaurs waving to me on this road too.

One night im cruising in my 94' down what I like to call "Zombie Highway" at a mind bending speed of 60 mph when I come up over one of the many hills. At first I thought I was staring down a Tyrannosauruses Rex, but it wasn't wearing a hat like normal and was too small. As I'm speeding closer, I see a human form appear, attempting to flag me down, but I know better. So the zombie decides that the only way to MAKE me stop is to step directly in the path of my car. Even if I wanted to stop, It would have taken me a mile due the gravel/sand/banana peel mixture that they use on that road. So at the last minute the zombie and I lock eyes and he knows that I will not go easy into that dark night, so he moves and lets me fly by, there by letting me pummel him with gravel being brought up by my tires. I roll down my window and scream " NOT TONIGHT ZOMBIE!!!! NICE TRY THOUGH!!!! SUCKER!"

Down the road I see a broken down car with its hazards on. Boy...that zombie is going to have a loooonnggg walk. *snicker*

One of my favorite archived posts...about parents who brag too much..

You know, she forgot to mention one more thing. Kalya was conceived in Chernobyl. Here are some of the missing excerpts from her "original" post...

"When she was 3 mos, she bent a spoon with her mind. At 4 mos she grew a third eye which only I can see. At 5 mos she grew to 18 stories high and eats power lines for fuel. At 6 months she contacted life on another planet by fuseing her Easy Bake Oven (which she cooks Ramen on) and her Speak and Spell. At 7 mos she learned how to perform brain surgery on our cat and now "mittens" speaks 17 different languages."

Advice to a dear friend....

you know what would be really really lucky?

Naming your baby Amber, or some derivitive of.

*I hear that ALL Ambers grow up to be multi milionaires and support thier parents.
* Ambers have the highest success rate in the stock market.
*All champions of the National Domino Gaming convention have been "Ambers"
*Did you know that McGuyver in episode #231 he used a coconut, duct tape, nose hairs and a girl named Amber to make a Nuclear Bomb?
* If you rub 2 Ambers together you can start a fire.
*If a Amber looks in the mirror..she cant see her own reflection. She also craves blood.

From Bootyyy's mouth to your eyes...

Here is more useless knowledge!

Did you know that Bootyyy's ass is made of 50% lard, 10% popcicle sticks, 10% robot feet, 10% cheese puffs, 10% High fructose corn syrup, 5% rat feces and 5% windex.

its true!

See, it's this shit that cracks us up, B!!!

Here we go!

This is Bootyyy's Blog. She a crazy-ass friend of mine and will delight you with her ping-pong ball tricks and raunchy humour!